Everyone we have a meaningful relationship with has an emotional account with us: a partner, a child, a parent, a manager, a friend — anyone who matters to us in some way.
I imagine myself as the bank. Each person makes deposits and withdrawals from their own account with me. But I am the owner of those accounts. I decide what value each deposit has, what each withdrawal costs, and whether the final balance feels positive or negative.
Take my mother’s emotional account as an example. It was a very long relationship, so over the years there were many deposits and many withdrawals, both small and significant.
Every hug was a deposit. Every kind word and every smile. Financial support or helping me care for my child counted too. So did taking care of me, looking after me and giving me access to education.
And the withdrawals? Every criticism. Every look that seemed to say, “You are not the person you should be.” Every shout and every moment of fear. Every rejection, every piece of coldness. Every attempt to shape me into someone I did not want to become. And every glass of vodka she drank.
I cannot count how many deposits there were or how many withdrawals. I cannot assign an exact value to each one. But I do know the final balance of that account. For me, it is negative. Yet if the same deposits and withdrawals belonged to an account you owned, perhaps you would see the balance differently. We each have our own values, so the very same experience can carry a very different weight for different people.
Why does the final balance matter more than any supposedly objective value of a deposit or withdrawal? What should we give another person if we want the balance on our emotional account with them to remain positive?
As a parent, what is worth depositing into the emotional account you have with your child — remembering that the child, not you, owns that account? What about the account you have with your partner? Not sure?
Ask. And ask again whenever you lose your way.
Do not assume you know what another person will experience as valuable. Do not guess. What matters deeply to you may mean very little to someone else.
If you give your child the gift you always dreamed of receiving, will it carry the same value for them? If you give your partner a beautiful home, will they experience it as a deposit?
Ask. Then listen carefully to the answer.
Because the final balance is ultimately about how we feel in a relationship. There is no universal price list for emotional deposits and withdrawals. No one except you can decide what the balance should be on an account that belongs to you.